I am a half breed. I was born in the US but lived most of my life in Israel. After moving back to the US, I have lived here for the past 15 years.
In Israel, I was always considered SO American.
When I moved back to the States, everybody always told me I’m SO Israeli. To be honest, I straddle these two worlds, sometimes with ease and grace, and sometimes in a clumsy, very sloppy way.
When I first moved back to the States as an adult, I was struck by how absolutely Israeli I was and was amazed by how I am NOT AMERICAN at all. However, recently, I have become aware of how American I have become. And how now there are certain “Israeli-isms” that actually piss me off and drive me insane.
I am a half breed. I was born in the US but lived most of my life in Israel. After moving back to the US, I have lived here for the past 15 years.
In Israel, I was always considered SO American.
When I moved back to the States, everybody always told me I’m SO Israeli. To be honest, I straddle these two worlds, sometimes with ease and grace, and sometimes in a clumsy, very sloppy way.
When I first moved back to the States as an adult, I was struck by how absolutely Israeli I was and was amazed by how I am NOT AMERICAN at all. However, recently, I have become aware of how American I have become. And how now there are certain “Israeli-isms” that actually piss me off and drive me insane.
I think the most important thing I have come to realize is that there are some things I am and a handful of things I am not.
There’s a lot of things I so want to be and things that I simply can’t be.
I try to find the balance and peace among all of these things because, as the serenity prayer goes:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Ironically, I am in the business of change. I tell people they can be whoever and whatever they want to be. That was something my parents told me again and again when I was a little girl. “You can be anything you set your mind to.” A smart therapist once told me “It’s a big burden to be anything.” I remember not really understanding exactly what she meant then. I think now I do.
We can’t be everything. It’s too hard - actually impossible.
We can be what we can be. We can be who we are and the things that we can’t, we simply cannot be. The trick is being OK with that.
“Do you really think I am gonna graduate, Ms.?” she asked me.
“I am absolutely sure you will.” I nod.
“I ain’t ever finished anything in my life,” she said.
“You finished my class,” I say. She laughed.
I met her when she was in her teens, locked up, young, and very angry. They wrote her off. She was affiliated with a particularly violent gang. Her family was gang royalty. That is not something you walk away from easily. In the lock up facility they predicted she’d be in county (jail) in a year.
I said maybe not.
They said I was naïve.
When she got out, it was impossible to get her transcripts to her school - so much red tape. She got kicked out of school and then kicked out of another school.
She went in and out of Juvie.
We were in touch and then we lost touch.
Then, out of the blue, she texted me.
She needed a recommendation for a job.
I hadn’t spoken to her in a few years.
I told her I need to meet with her a few times, and we need to get together before I can write her a recommendation.
We went out to lunch.
We took a walk in the park.
We sat in a garden and played with her son.
She blew me away.
She cut herself off from the complications in her life.
She lives in a small apartment with her grandmother.
“When I had my son, I knew I could do better,” she told me. “I stopped all the stupid shit, Ms. Oh, and guess what? You were right, I finished high school, got me a diploma!”
“I told you.” I smiled.
“How did you know?” she asked.
“I didn’t, but I knew you had to hear someone say it out loud so you would know that you have the option.”
“No one ever told me that I can do shit,” she said.
“Well, obviously you can.”
“Yup, I sure can. I’m gonna go to college, too, but not now. Now I can’t. It’s too much and it ain’t me, but later, Ms., later.”
It was kind of far where she is living now.
In the car on the way home, I was incredibly content thinking about how well she is doing – impressed by what an awesome mom she is even though she has absolutely no role models for parenting.
I heard again in my head how with such ease she told me that right now college isn’t her. She is taking care of her kid, she has a job, and college will happen later.
I think about being anything and being everything and how hard I am on myself for the things I am not.
Maybe like my sweet student - it simply ain’t me now.
Maybe it will never be me.
I think how no one, absolutely no one, ever thought this kid would become who she is now.
I realize that we can become, we can change, and life is dynamic.
There is always later, even though sometimes later can be too late.
But hey…
Better late than never!
