I kvetch and I moan. I talk a lot about the things that are hard. Work, fundraising,
raising teenagers, and life in general. Many of my writings highlight the hard.
Because, man, it IS hard!
But then there are days, or simply moments, when things are good, simply good.
We got the grant. My kids behaved. Someone was kind to me. Things worked out.
Things fell into place. I feel okay. I feel good.
Sometimes, it can be something as simple as the clouds in the sky deciding to put
on a brilliant show or seeing a sweet photo of a baby or just plain life being in the
place it needs to be. When that happens, sometimes I literally stop everything.
Stand still without moving to take it in, trying, actually, to hold the good.
If I have learned anything from my students, it is to know how insanely lucky
I am for all the good I have in this life of mine.
Holding onto the good doesn’t make the bad goes away, but it does remind us that
the bad can have a pause, and in that pause, it is the good’s turn.
In my anger management class, one of my students, in a very angry way, said,
“Ms., I take these classes. I get the certificates, but I’m still mad as fuck! I don’t
understand!” I looked at him, smiled and said, “Anger is like a tire. You can’t get
one that will never have a flat, even in a fancy Jaguar. Every tire has the possibility
of getting a flat. What we do in these classes is create a toolbox from which you
can take out tools to fix that tire. I cannot help you stop getting angry, but I can fill
your toolbox with tools to manage that anger. Does that make sense?”
“Totally. Totally makes sense, Ms., although I’d be happy to have me the Jaguar. I
think that flat must be fine!”
In that same class, an absolutely brilliant soul shared with us her painful story and
how, after multiple domestic violence disputes with her baby daddy, the one time
she actually did something to him, he called the police. Her baby was taken away
from her and now it is bad. She said out loud to us, “This is bad,” but then she
added, “Here and there in the bad, comes some good.” With tears rolling down her
cheeks, she said, “I hold onto the tiny thread of good to remind me that the bad will
not be forever.”
Then she added, “The shitty, fucked, FUCKED up thing about the good, Ms., is that
the minute something bad comes in, it’s like a crashing plane going into the
ground. That goddamn good goes away so fast. What the fuck can we do about
that, Ms.? What?!?”
I am quiet, and I think how a word, an unexpected comment can collapse my most
brilliant moments. Then I say, “Maybe the trick is learning to let the good and bad
live together and somehow not cancel each other out but selectively give each
other space to coexist. Not too good, not too bad. Like here and here.” I
point to the two sides of the room.
“You know,” she says, “I try to do that, but it’s hard not to let one take over.” And
a different student answered her, “Mija, it is like the shadows and light coming
through that window. The sun can be brilliant (the window is kind of near or
maybe under a train line) and then that motherfucker train goes by and the sun is
gone. We moan and complain, and then the train is gone, and we are like pigs in
shit enjoying the sunlight again, thinking that motherfucker train will never come
back and then it does. Life is a series of trains coming and going. That’s just the
way it is. Catch the sunshine when it is here,” he tells her.
“Sometimes it feels like there are only trains,” she says sadly.
“Well,” he says, “cariño, nada podrá detener ese sol, en algún momento llegará.”
(“Darling, nothing can ever stop that sun. At some point, it will come.”)
And believe me, this man has seen more trains than most.
And just like that, as if the sun was listening, it shines at a brilliant angle and an
angelic light comes through the room.
My heart is filled with the promise of possibility amidst all the pain.
Merry Christmas, friends. May 2022 be filled with more sun than trains.
May we have the strength to wait for her to shine, because, as my student wisely said,
“en algún momento llegará.” At some point, she will always come.
Happy, Happy New Year.
Be safe. Be healthy.
Hold the good with the bad and find the balance.
Your sun is right here.
