Fix

I got into a fight with a very close friend of mine and somehow, we stopped talking.

I used to pride myself on the fact that I know how to fix everything.
I have the tools to communicate my feelings, explain what is in my heart, and move on.
In the last few years I’ve had a couple of times where, to be honest, I have not been able to fix it. One fallout was inevitable, and it would not have been healthy for us to stay in touch. One, I tried, I asked, I begged, I wrote letters, I wished, and the other person simply was not willing. I had to accept that there’s nothing more I can do.

This new situation seriously stung. I tried to use all of the things I teach my students and figure out how to fix the broken.
It was as if the most beautiful vase fell on the floor and crashed into one million pieces. It seemed unable to be fixed.

Maybe we needed to create something new. I don’t know.

My heart ached and I spent a significant amount of time and emotional energy thinking about this sad situation.

Feelings are so insanely complicated as are relationships.

One of my students shared a situation with me that he found himself in. “A fucked-up mess and I ain’t never going back,” he said.

“There’s no such thing as never going back,” I said.

 He laughed. “Hell, yeah, there is.”
“Well, I guess you don’t want it to go back,” I pushed.
“Ms.,” he said, “I wish it don’t happen. Now it’s too late.”

I think about the fight I had.

I, too, wish it didn’t happen. At the same time, I know that terrible things were said. I wonder which of the things that were said were based on hidden feeling and which were just the defense of a hurt heart.

“I hear you.” I tell him. “Do you want to fix it?”

“That’s the deal, Ms. I don’t know.”

He pauses. “I always am the breaker. I make the problems then I fuck up. Now I am trying to be the good guy and I don’t know how.”

I pause.

So many of my students believe they are or were bad.

They really are not. They did bad things. Some of them did really bad things. When you hear about the trauma they endured, when you understand the life circumstances they grew up in, you start to comprehend the whole picture.

It is a privilege to watch the good emerge from their hearts that each one of my students has in abundance as with great effort they shed the past demons from their being.

“You know what?” he tells me.
“I am going to be the fixer now, not the breaker. I’m gonna try to make things better, and if it don’t work, I know I did my best. And if dat don’t work, that’s cool.”

I smile.

“What you so happy about?” he asks me.

“I am proud of you,” I say. 

“I didn’t do anything yet” he says.

“Well, you are in the right direction,” I tell him. 

Now he pauses, he looks at me, and he smiles.

“Ms., you do know that some things you can’t fix. Right?”
“Yes,” I say.

“But I believe that everything is worth trying to fix,” I add.

“That can be fucking dangerous, Ms., cause when you try to fix things, then you have to deal with all the broken shit you did.”

I laughed out loud. Again, and again they teach me.

“Yup,” I say.

He continues, “Sometimes I don’t want to face what I did.

Sometimes I just don’t want to be with dem people no more.

Sometimes, to be me now, I got to walk away from the me I was. You feel me, Ms.?”

“Yes, I do,” I say.

“The you now is pretty awesome,” I tell him. 

He is a little embarrassed.

“You don’t have to fix everything,” I tell him.

“It is your choice, but if it is bugging you and if it you are thinking about it, don’t ignore it. Feel the feelings.”

“Feeling the feelings is hard, Ms.”

“Yup,” I say again. “Really hard.”

“How do you fix that?” he asks.

“You don’t,” I say. “You just have to feel.”

“And then what?” he asks me.

“After some time, you feel less, maybe not less, but different,” I say.

“Well that sucks!” he says and adds,“ But I get you. Time does a lot to your heart.”

He knows. He did a lot of time.

I was sitting thinking about the conversation with him and thought about my friend who I love. I truly do.

She pissed the shit out of me, but I had a part in this situation, too. In addition, I was genuinely worried about her during these crazy, dark times. We live very close to where a lot of the commotion was going on.

I think about what I said to my student.

“Everything is worth trying to fix.” In addition, my heart was incredibly broken, and I was extremely preoccupied and sad about all of this.

So, I reached out to my friend, and to my great relief, she felt the same way. We are now okay. It was like one dozen pieces of hurt were pulled out of me at once.

We are not back to where we used to be, but I know we will be okay. This is the true test of friendship, and love.

Our hearts break and then mend.

Hearts tighten and then expand.

Hearts with gaps, tears, and deep, dark holes can and do function.

Our heart is the most extraordinary muscle.

Our heart is the vessel for our feelings.

If your heart is yearning for someone or something, listen to it.
Do, take action. Reach out. Try, even if you can’t fix it.  

By trying, you begin to heal, regardless of the outcome.

And, on the chance that it can be fixed, well, then, that is when you rejoice.

Listen to your heart.
Even if doing what it is telling you is hard.

Your heart knows.

Listen.